Before his death, the dude was wanted for murder, driving with no liscence plate, driving while intoxicated, kidnapping, rape, animal rape, illegal parking, possession of a Weapon of Mass Destruction, carjacking, hijacking, lowjacking, jacking off in public, terrorism, sexual harrassment, possesion and use of many illegal substances, and indecent exposure. After, his death... things got even more fucked up... o_o
The Dude was born with a dildo in his hand. Allegedly, his mother, Sarah Jessica Parker, left the dildo in her vagina by accident and The Dude had to move it to get outta that vagina, so it was in his hand when he was born.The Dude experienced an unusual childhood. At the age of 2, he became addicted to gay porn. He spent most of elementary smoking random stuff he could find. He committed his first murder at the age of 8. His second grade teacher caught him watching gay porn on one of the school's computers, so he drowned her in mashed potatoes. He was then put in juvy, but didn't stay long cuz he had other shit to do.
My monkey shoots potatoes.
18 and 69 PenisesEdit
When The Dude turned 18, he spontaneously grew 68 extra penises. He decided to use his 69 penises and he became a supervillain known as the Fuck-u-later. However, he accomplished jack shit as a supervillain because he couldn't find a spandex supervillain costume that fit him comfortably, so he took his penises to Ripley's Believe It or Not. He and his 69 penises became a popular attraction there, but more and more people who witnessed his strange genitalia were dying the following night in their sleep. It turned out that every night, The Dude was drinking himself to sleep and then sleepwalking. While sleepwalking, he would find people who had seen his penises, eat them in their beds, and then shit them out on the carpet as biscuits and gravy.
This kinda shit went on for about 15 years and nobody knew it. The Dude was not suspected of anything until he started to commit various other crimes while sleepwalking. These crimes included murder, driving with no liscence plate, driving while intoxicated, kidnapping, rape, animal rape, illegal parking, possession of a Weapon of Mass Destruction, carjacking, hijacking, lowjacking, jacking off in public, terrorism, sexual harrassment, possesion and use of many illegal substances, and indecent exposure. He was caught on camera doing most of this shit and his ass was hauled off to jail. Not even prison, just jail.
JailEditThe Dude went to jail and behaved well for the first six months. Then the guards began to notice the rest of the inmates were behaving rather quietly, as if they were planning something. Little did they know, The Dude was leading an escape operation involving every single one of the inmates.
Then, on the day they served beans in the cafeteria, all was quiet for about two hours after lunch. Then, several riots broke out within the jail. Eventually, everybody was fighting everybody in the jail. When they guards interfered, the inmates all stopped, held their breath, and simultaneously unleashed the biggest wave of farts the world has ever seen. Each one of them had been holding in their farts since lunch, so it was fucking rancid. The guards all coughed and gagged, unable to breathe, and were all raped and eaten by the inmates, who then broke free from jail and began to wreak havoc on the streets. The Dude had singlehandedly lead an uprising to free himself and the rest of the inmates. Then The Dude was shot and that's how he died.
RebirthEditNobody came to The Dude's funeral. He was buried and everything, but he came back... as a zombie. That's when things really got fucked up...
The Dude scoured the night time, looking for alcohol, or at least a line of crack. He finally found a liquor store and walked inside to purchase an alcoholic beverage. The clerk panicked when he saw The zombified Dude and pulled a shotgun out from under the counter and began shooting The Dude. However, this did not kill The Dude because HE DIDN'T AIM FOR HIS HEAD!! The Dude, moderatley pissed off about being fired at, grabbed the clerk, bent him over, stuck his hand up his ass, and pulled the motherfucker inside out. The clerk was rushed to the hospital, where Dr. House was able to save him.
The Dude had stolen every bit of alcohol from the store, and he kept it in the abandoned house where he resided during the day. Only at night would he dare step out of the house in search of the Philosopher's Stone. Nobody knows why, but it is widely believed that he thought he either thought he could get "philosophically stoned" with it, or that he wanted to use it for something sexual. He would constantly break into houses and suck people into his anus, which, upon his resurrection, had become a giant black hole that could absorb anything into it if he bent over. He would then ransack the house for the Philosopher's Stone, but he never found it.
Depressed at his failure to find the stone, he decided to get a computer and dial-up Internet and spend his time doing the one thing he really loved: watching gay porn. Ever since then, The Dude has not left the house. He is still there, probably watching gay porn all day and all night long. Despite all the crimes he is wanted for, nobody has ever dared step foot into the house to try to apprehend him, for fear of being ripped inside out through their asshole, and then having a dildo keystered up their asses for all of time.