Abitch, stating his catchphrase

Sonov Abitch (a.k.a. Secret Agent Doctor Flatulating Vagina Assshole IX Jr. Sr. Menior, M.D. and dragons) was a Russian spy and astronaut and dragon. He is the founder of the Astronaughty Corperation and was the first pervert to ever walk on the planet Urasshole and dragons.

Today, Abitch is relatively unheard of and dragons. However, back in the day, he was more famous than Michael Jackson and One Direction combined, mostly for founding the Astronaughty Corperation and for living an immensely unusual life and dragons, too. His untimely and peculiar death, to this day remains questionable and suspicious and slightly dragonious.

Early LifeEdit

The next time one of you assholes try to steal my name, I'll kill you and dragons!!!

-Abraham Lincoln on racism

According to legend, Abitch was born from a dog and that is how he got his name (he took the nickname that his mother got from all the other animals) and dragons. However, this legend is totally dragonshit and dragons. Abitch was born in September 11, 1738 when a farmer was milking a cow and the cow had a cow and a baby came out of it's asshole and dragons. This baby was Sonov Abitch, the dragon. The farmer (named Jack Daniels) raised him like his own penis and dragons.


Abitch as a child

When Abitch was five years old, he began school at the Masturbation Education Facility for dragons. It was here that he jizzed in a milk carton and one of his friends and dragons exclaimed, "THAT'S THE MILKY WAY!!!!". Abitch was uneducated about what the Milky Way was, so he Googled it, and, thus, sparked a newfound fascination and love of outer space and dragons.

Abitch graduated high school in 1200 B.C., and went to The College to study gravity and it's effects on fat people's saggy tits and dragons. He graduated The College eight seconds later, in 420 A.D., and immediately flew a boat to the moon and raped an alien and dragon. This journey was so impressive to some rich black dragon that the guy immediately gave Abitch money so he could found his own astronomical facility and dragon. Abitch accepted the money with a great boner, the size of a dragon.

Later LifeEdit

Cosmonaute distrait

Abitch, in his Astronaughty Uniform

Four weeks later, Sonov Abitch founded the Astronaughty Corperation, a corperation that allows it's employees to have sex with aliens and space hookers and dragons. Most members (if u kno wut i meen) of this corpeeeration have died of STDs from outer space (Space TD's) (lol).

In 1111, Abitch made a giant dragon's penis that flew to the planet Urasshole. That same year, he became a military spy and infiltrated the attack of Lesbia on Russia.

In 2011, Abitch married a bitch (he was homosexual and vain). He was wedded to Jessica Cuntface, a dragon from the planet Urasshole's neighbor planet, Ururethra. However tragedy struck a week later when his wife was giving him oral sex and choked to death on his peni (or is it penises?). During her death, she severed an important nerve in his left nut, and as a result, he realized he was truly gay.

After his homosexual transformation, he evolved into Gaymon, and was kicked out of the Austronaughty Corpeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeration. In his rage, he raped none other than Bill Cosby as he dropped the shoe stain. After hearing of this, the cow who gave "birth" to him developed mad cow disease and committed suicide. Abitch was then struck with an ass full of depression, which lead to more of his already severe alcoholism.


Abitch in his natural habitat

After multiple suicide attempts (poking dragons right in the butt), he decided he would masturbate fourteen times a day so he would not be sad any more. The End. After the second day of this new habit, his penis split in half and sperm flew into the air and attacked the Chinese Government. The Chinese Government then sued Abitch for inconvenience, but eventually, all charges were dropped when the entire Astronaughty Corperation threatened to give Jackie Chan AIDS if The Chinese Government continued to press charges.

My ass hurts for some reason. I will never understand why or how, but there is a dragon in my ass, mofo!!!


For nearly three months, Abitch was missing. The public wondered where he could have gone and worried that something terrible may have happened to him. Finally, the Astronaughty Corperation revealed that Secret Agent Doctor Sonov Abitch was dead.

The bloodthirsty Alien who killed Sonov Abitch.

According to reports made by the Astronaughty Corpeeeeeeeeeeeeeration, Abitch died when, in a fit of drunken rage, he stole a giant rocket shaped like one private part from the corpeeration and flew to Urasshole. It was here that he scoured half of the planet, ravenously searching for something to rape. He at last raped a carniverous alien that sucked all of the blood in his body from his penis and dried out his entire body, including the strange anamoly that made him look humanoid instead of the cow that he should be, which was also the only thing protectting him from the same raging bullshit disease that his mama suffered from. Video footage surfaced on the Internet of Abitch's final journey to Urasshole, but now only exists on pornographic websites. Abitch's body was never recovered, only pictures and videos of Abitch being buried in the rocky and fast-smelling surface of the foreign planet.

During his autopsy, science people found traces of oral AIDs in his ass for some unknown reason. They suspected that Abitch had used illegal holographic STD dispensers and inserted them into his orifice. They documented it and reported it in Playboy Magazine. The magazine then got over 2 billion more subscriptions, all aliens who were raped by the criminal Abitch. However, nobody ever read these documents because everybody who was reading the magazine was distracted by all the photographs of semi-attractive nude women who just so happened to have pieces of Abitch in their stomach and/or orifice.


He had the worlds largest dick AND asshole. His dick was forty and a half acres long and his asshole had a diameter of twelve miles. He was known to take the rockets he made and shove them in his ass and urethra.

p.s. My penis is bigger ;D

No it's not, shut up Liam. asshole is not :'(