(Attention: This guide is intended for male use only. If you are a female who wants to attempt his, go ahead, but it's gonna be harder than my dick the first time I ever watched Gossip Girl.)
So you wanna be a chick magnet do ya?? Well you, my good sir, have come to the right place. I have sailed the world, beheld it's wonders from the Dardanelles to the mountains of Peru, and on my many journeys I have encountered all types of women. However, many people, like you, do not have nearly the experience with women that I have had in my eighteen years. It is with great pleasure that I present to you a guide on how to get women.
I must inform you, however, that I have intense respect for you as a reader. Therefore, I would not direct you towards my "sloppy seconds". This guide is intended to help you sleep with the only women in the world I have not had any romantic relations with, but could if I so desired. Remember, I have not slept with the women mentioned in this article; the secrets contained herein are for your own personal use only.
Angelina JolieEditSo, you got your eye on Angelina, eh? This is quite a simple score if done correctly.
- Kidnap one or more foreign children (the more, the better)
- Go to the cave where Angelina Jolie lives (the cave where she was naked in Beowulf.)
- Give her the child/children.
- Love her long time.
If these steps are not followed precisely, or if Angelina already has a child that is the same race of the child/ any of the children you present to her, Angelina will turn into a giant version of the rat from Ratatouille, rip your nipples off, and suck all the blood in your body through the holes where your nipples used to be. The only person in th world who could possibly save you then would be Ben Stein, and I bet he'd be so enthusiastic about that <.<
Kristen StewartEditI'll admit, Twilight superstar is fairly attractive. Especially in the picture to the right... ooooh yeah o.o
Anyway, if you want to mate with the bitch, here is how:
- Take your bed and burn it. Kirsten will not be interested in you if you have a bed in your room. You may sleep on a couch or the floor, but if Kristen finds out that you are even capable of sleeping, she will not be interested.
- Whatever your hair looks like when you wake up in the morning, spray it so it stays like that.
- Avoid tanning for at least a decade. You will need to be quite pale to attract the attention of Kristen Stewart.
- Cover your body in glitter. The less heterosexual you look, the better.
- Always, I repeat, ALWAYS look like you have to sneeze. This arouses Kristen and may even make her smile... on the inside of course.
- If you followed these steps correctly, you should look something like this:
If you do look like this, sit next to Kristen for a while and pretend that she smells unpleasant. After that, she's all yours.
- Be a movie director.
- Put Kristen in your film adaptation of the tale of Snow White.
- Make the Snow White movie a Lord Of The Rings rip-off.
- Love her long time.
Ellen DeGeneresEditIf you, for any reason, desire to have intercourse with Ellen DeGeneres, you must follow a very specific number of steps. This will be a bit trickier that sleeping with the previous women, but worth the effort if that's what you're into.
- Get an operation so that you have a vagina.
- Bake lampshade-flavored tarts for Ellen and leave them at her doorstep on Tuesday morning before she awakens.
- Return to Ellen's house the following morning and sing Sweet Home Alabama until she awakens and throws a tampon out her window at you in an attempt to silence you. You must catch the tampon in your mouth as a means of impressing Ellen. If you do not catch the tampon in your mouth, you have failed the mission entirely and all prior effort has been in vain.
- Run into the closest forest you can find, allow a bear to eat half of one of your ass cheeks. Run into a department store and buy a tutu to cover the wound.
- Return home. Put on make up and cover yourself with some sort of plant life. Preferably seaweed.
- Invite Ellen over telephone to sit in a boat with you. She will agree and meet you at the lake behind your house.
- Flash your mangina at Ellen and love her long time.
Yes, these are the only women in the world with whom I have not slept. That is how you know that I am experienced and the best person to come to for this kind of advice. The best of luck to you, and remember, my balls are infected with awesomeness.