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Coke Is Actually Baby Pandas

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Coke is Actually Baby Pandas: A demonstration of Circular Logic

Bob: Coke is baby pandas. Jim: What? How do you figure that coke is baby pandas? Bob: Because this book says so. Jim: How do we know the book is correct? Bob: Because it says that coke is baby pandas. Jim: How does that prove the book's accuracy? Bob: Because it's statement involving coke and baby pandas is correct, therefore it is accurate. Jim: How do we know that it's correct? Bob: Because we have concluded that the book is accurate, and therefore the statement is correct.


Therefore, coke is baby pandas.

Coke is actually baby pandas. A demonstration of a faulty analogy.

Bob: Coke is actually baby pandas.

Jim: What? Why would you come up with such tomfoolery!

Bob: Compare it to butter. In a simpler time in america, the general public was unaware that the saturated fats in butter could lead to increased cholesterol and an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. Similarly, today, the public is unaware that Coke is actually baby pandas. Since the public was unaware that butter was unhealthy, and it actually was, we can conclude that since the public is unaware today that coke is baby pandas, that it actually is.

Bob:  Therefore, coke is baby pandas.

Jim: /dies


Coke is actually baby pandas; A demonstration of a red Herring.


Bob:

Coke is actually baby pandas.

Jim:

What? no it's not...

Bob:

Then do you agree with necrophilia?

Jim:

What? Of course not!

Bob:

Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Coke is actually baby pandas: Demonstration of a strawman argument.


Bob: 

Coke is actually baby pandas.

Jim:

No, it isn't. That\'s absurd.

Bob: 

Absurd? ABSURD? You think it's absurd that coke can be traced back to core ingredients?

Jim:

No..that's not what I said at all.

Bob:

Yes it is.

Bob:

Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Coke is actually baby pandas; Demonstration of an ad hominem:

Bob:

Coke is baby pandas.

Jim:

Why do you keep making this claim with no proof?

Bob:

Are you calling me a liar, jim? Because I seem to recollect you cheating in our poker game last thursday.

Bob:

Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Coke is actually baby pandas: Demonstration of slippery slope.


Bob: 

Coke is baby pandas.

Jim:

I will begin ignoring you shortly.

Bob:

Are you denouncing my claim?

Jim:

Yes, I am.

Bob: 

Well, in that case, let's assume you're right. Coke is not baby pandas. If coke was not baby pandas, we would see an immence panda population increase. This population increase would cause the pandas to have to compete for food, and not to mention the diseases that would likely spawn from their sheer numbers. Eventually, these diseases could possibily adapt to be passed on to humans. This would likely end the human race, assumimg a cure cannot be found, which is a correct assumption.

Is that what you want Jim?

Jim:

I..uhh..

Bob:

Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Coke is actually baby pandas: Demonstration of demanding disproof of the unproven:


Bob:

Coke is baby pandas.

Jim: 

Bob, really, I have to tell you, it's not.

Bob:

Can you disprove the idea that coke is baby pandas?

Jim:

Why do I have to disprove something that you have failed to prove? In any case, here, take the label from my 20 oz. Ingredients right on the back.

Bob:

..let me see that...

hmm..

This doesn't prove anything. You think Coca cola LLC, a limited liability corporation who would not sue someone for including their trademark name in a parody, would willingly let the public know that coke is actually baby pandas?

You have failed to disprove my theory.

Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Coke is actually baby pandas: Demonstration of a false dichotomy:


Bob: Coke is actually baby pandas.

Jim: Yes, you've made this claim before..

Bob: ..and proven it countless times, yet you refuse to accept it.

Jim: You've proven nothing!

Bob: Look, I'm going to make this simple for you. If coke is not baby pandas, then we have nothing to go on. What else could it possibly be made of? Poison?

So which is it? Baby pandas or poison?

Jim: what? why is poison the only other possibility?

Bob: So you conclude that coke is not made out of poison (or baby poisons)?

Jim: Coke is not made out of poison. Millions of people drink it every year.

Bob: Exactly.

Bob: Therefore, coke is baby pandas.


Argumentum ad Populum (argument from popularity)


Bob: Coke is made from baby pandas.

Jim: Um...what? Is that a quote from some parody sequel to Soilent Green I've never heard of?

Bob: No, Coke really is made from baby pandas.

Jim: Don't be silly!

Bob: Everybody knows that the formula for Coke is a secret, and if they didn't make coke out of baby pandas, they wouldn't need to keep it a secret. Therefore, Coke is baby pandas.


(This wasn't exactly a straight argumentum ad populum, since there was a non-sequitur in there too.)


Argumentum ad Baculum (argument from force):

Bob: Coke is made from baby pandas.

Jim: No it's not.

Bob: Ooooooh, a wise guy, eh? You Coke-Panda Deniers make me so mad! Why, I oughta... >smacks fist into palm<


No True Scotsman:

Bob: Nae true Scotsman does'nae believe tha' Coke is made o' baby pandas.

Jim: But me uncle Angus was born an' raised in Edinburgh, an' 'e does'nae believe tha' Coke is made o' baby pandas!

Bob: Then your uncle Angus is nae true Scotsman!


Argumentum ad Verecundiam (argument from authority):

Bob: Coke is made of baby pandas.

Jim: No it's not!

Bob: Ooooh, a skeptic, eh? Everybody thought Copernicus and Galileo and Einstein and Heinrich Schliemann were nuts too, until they were proven right! Therefore, Coke is made of baby pandas.

Cum Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc ("with this, therefore because of this")

Bob: Coke is made of baby pandas.

Jim: No it's not!

Bob: If we compare the numbers of pandas in the wild with the sales of Coke, we can see that historically, the panda population has declined as Coke sales rose. Therefore, Coke is made of baby pandas.


Argument From Spurious Linguistic Coincidence (ref: Zeitgeist on religion):

Jim: Pepsi is made of baby koalas.

Bob: No it's not! It's just Coke that's made from baby pandas.

Jim: We call it Pepsi "Cola" because it is supposedly includes an extract from the kola nut. But, seriously, people don't make drinks out of nuts! Ever seen drinkable peanut butter? Now, in the Hebrew language, vowels are not written, so "kola" would be spelled with a kaf and a lahmed, or k-l using English letters. Notice that "koala" would be spelled in the exact same way in Hebrew, k-l. So, Biblically and in terms of Qabbalistic gematria, the two words are equivalent. Now, "Pepsi" comes from a chemical called pepcin, which was originally an ingredient in Pepsi. Notice that the root word "pep-" is also a word for biological energy. So we can see that the "pep" in Pepsi comes from life energy. It is also the same root word found in "neuropeptide." Also, notice how the "si" in Pepsi means "yes" in Spanish. So "Pepsi Cola" is really a secret code for "Life energy? Yes! Koala!"

As you can see, Pepsi is made from the neuropeptides of koala bears.

Bob: >Twitches, then goes into coma<

Jim (thinking): Ah, revenge is sweet!

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